Careful what you wish for this Christmas! This album, has to be heard to be believed. It’s called Christmas In the Stars – The Star Wars Christmas Album’ and has been out since 1980. I’ve only just stumbled across it and you can read my findings below. (The things I do for Christmas!)
“Make it stop!” was the strained plea from Mrs Crackered.
Whilst scrolling through the millions of YouTube Christmas videos I happened upon ‘Christmas In the Stars – The Star Wars Christmas Album’ and played each track in open mouthed astonishment.
After track two, Bells, Bells, Bells, I was forced to adorn the headphones and suffer alone as I could feel Mrs Crackered was reaching an alarming level of discomfort.
Now, I love Christmas songs and I would guess I can give most of them a thumbs up for their efforts, but I really have to draw the line here.
What was on their minds? Apparently, the majority of the songs were written by Yale University music professor, Maury Yeston. He went on to be a Tony Award winning Broadway composer…really?
The best track title is “What Can You Get A Wookiee for Christmas (When He Already Owns A Comb) and it’s a lot more entertaining than the song itself.
One of the tracks, “R2-D2 We Wish You A Merry Christmas”, even features the vocal talents of Jon Bon Jovi, his debut in recorded music circles. I bet he’s proud of that!
Even the most ardent Star Wars fan must question their sanity here.
After listening to all of the tracks, I was left with an even bigger dislike for C-3PO’s voice than ever before. Anthony Davis, the real voice of the Star Wars character C-3PO, narrates and sings on most of the tracks and after a while you just want him to stop. Well, after the first song actually.
I loved Star Wars and I love Christmas songs, but putting them together is just cruel.
Two of the tracks were even released as singles, the Wookie one and R2-D2’s ‘Sleigh Ride’ and the album has been re-released on at least 3 occasions. So there must be a market for this messed up Christmas offering?
Here’s a quick briefing to each track in what is likely to be my first, and last, experience with the ‘The Star Wars Christmas Album’.
Christmas in the Stars
C-3PO’s voice really grates doesn’t it? What, with him chirping away and R2-D2 blipping and blopping all over the place, it’s a wonder I got through the song. The track is all about robots making toys and involves one of the robots getting a kiss from Chewbacca under the mistletoe. Yeah, it’s that bizarre.
Bells, Bells, Bells
“I can’t believe the Question, it’s like, what is indigestion” are the first lines uttered by C-3PO. So, that’s how it’s gonna pan out is it? This song has C-P30 explaining to R2-D2 what bells are. So, R2-D2 can decipher millions of languages and project holograms, but don’t know what bells are? Hmm?
The Odds Against Christmas
This one has C-3PO reciting a poem about the odds of things happening at Christmas. To give you an example, the chorus goes “The odds against Christmas being Christmas, are three-hundred-and-sixty-five-to-one” Well, the odds of me adding this album to my collection are very high odds against it ever happening at all!
What Can You Get a Wookiee for Christmas (When He Already Owns a Comb?)
This track actually got to number 69 in the billboard charts! It ponders ‘what can you get a Wookie for Christmas?’ It’s almost, almost, a real Christmas tune. Quite quirky, but still horrendous!
The Rest Of The Star Wars Christmas album
R2-D2 We Wish You a Merry Christmas
Lots of whistles and beeps from R2-D2 here. The amazing thing is that this is the very first recording of Jon Bon Jovi. This was also released as a single. I’ve no idea where it reached in the charts, but you can bet it was done on the strength of the Bon Jovi connection alone.
Bizarrely, this starts off with Silent night and a fearsome rebuttal to R2-D2 from C-3PO…which I was certain included a rude word. It took a couple of listens to realise he said ‘Bucket’. We get the chance to hear R2-D2 sing as well. It sounds like a radio being tuned. Boy, why did I start this review?
Merry, Merry Christmas
We find out what Chewie gets for Christmas. Spoiler, it’s a brush (because they got him a comb last year, remember?). We also find out that old Chewie tickles the droids with it. My guess is that he was trying to shove it somewhere rather than tickle them.
A Christmas Sighting (‘Twas the Night Before Christmas)
Thankfully, it’s the penultimate track on the ‘Christmas in the Stars: Star Wars Christmas Album’. Here, C-3PO recites the popular poem ‘Twas The Night Before Christmas. It’s not the full original though, there is added ‘Star Wars’ references as well as calling Santa ‘S.Claus‘. Extremely odd rendition.
The Meaning of Christmas
Hurrah! That last track. We meet the aforementioned S.Claus on this one…Santa’s son. He talks to the toy-making droids and explains that what they do is their gift and explains what Christmas really is. I think the word ‘painful’ is the apt description for this track. I’m now saying to myself “make it stop!” so I do and take off the headphones feeling a little violated. The track was over 8 minutes long!
To Sum It Up...
Wow! Just, Wow! Could Christmas in the Stars: Star Wars Christmas Album be the worst Christmas album ever? You know, it just could be.
Saying that, It must have a tiny niche following, because it keeps getting re-released, This would be the perfect gift (if you can find it and afford it) for the ultra-fanatical Star Wars geek.
But they would have to be a fan bordering on the lunatic to enjoy it.
In the end, it’s still something to do with Christmas, so perhaps I’m being a little hard on the album. There are other contenders (a-hem, William Shatner), but they will have to wait for another day whilst my ears recover.
In the meantime, I’m off to redress the balance by giving the Home Alone soundtrack an outing. It works every time!